All addictions are an innocent attempt to cover up or get away from our own pain. Eakhart Tolle sums it up exquisitely when he says “Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends in pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to- alcohol, food, legal or illegal substances, or a person- you are using somebody or something to try and cover up your pain.”
Unless we are completely present in every moment then we are using something or someone to distract us from our pain. For example, as a humanity we are addicted to thinking as an attempt to get away from the present moment. And why are we always trying to get aways the present moment? Because if we become fully present then we will have to feel this pain! In an attempt to get away from our own inner pain we will use almost anything. We will use thinking, work, technology, food, sex, shopping, drugs, pornography, drama, and the list goes on. Since the pain resides in us, any attempt to get away from it is short lived and ultimately futile. Something like a glass of wine or lovely meal can be profoundly enjoyable, but when we begin to use these things, or anything, in a compulsive way to avoid our own pain and we feel we no longer have a choice to stop, then we have an addiction. And addictions are always a coping strategies to try to and avoid our pain.
Individually and collectively at a very unconscious level we are afraid to feel our pain. We have attempted to avoid the pain for so long it has become like that giant scary monster hiding under the bed when we were a child. You don’t want to go near it and you certainly don’t dare to look! There is often a sense that if I feel this pain- I will die!
The truth is though, you are more likely to die from not feeling the pain. The pain is already there and if we treat the pain like a red headed step child, not welcoming it, then it will begin to act out and can manifest as a physical illness. Also, when pain is suppressed and not allowed to be felt, it deadens our whole experience of reality and our whole reality is seen through a filter of pain. As you can imagine, or maybe have experienced, this does not create a joyful sense of wellbeing. Sometimes the pain in people is so great that it drives them to take their own lives, another's, or both, in an attempt to try and get away from the pain. The consequences of running from our pain is tremendously costly and can literally and figuratively rob us of our life.
Once we become conscious of our mind's innocent attempts to get away from the pain and we see that all the attempts that are being made to get away from the pain are futile. Then, we can choose to meet the pain and allow it to be felt. Once we begin to feel the pain consciously there becomes no need to get away from it, and the addictions that were being used to avoid the pain naturally fall away. In this process of meeting the pain we learn that we are not going to die. I can testify as someone who has met and continues to meet my own pain, and as someone holding space for others meeting theirs, no one has died! And actually, through this willingness to meet our own pain, an understanding of our own true strength, beauty, and compassion is realized, and a maturity is born in this meeting. When we are willing to meet our own pain then true healing can begin for ourselves and for humanity.
For those who feel the call, here are four steps you can take to begin to use your addiction to heal:
The next time the compulsive energy arises in your system to go grab a beer, eat that piece of chocolate cake, watch hours of shows on netflix, or whatever it is for you. Pause and take a few deep breaths and just gently witness the energy. Don’t judge it or try to get rid of the energy, just ever so gently watch it. You may notice the energy subside or go away and even if it does not you have brought more consciousness to it which allows for more space around it and an opportunity to make a different choice.
Next take a moment and ask yourself what specific feeling is this addiction trying to protect me from having to feel?
Once you know what feelings the addiction is trying to protect you from feeling then you can begin to gently open to it. It may be a good idea to work with someone you know and trust who can support you in meeting the emotion in a gentle and unconditional way in the beginning. And if you feel comfortable, you can begin to open to it on your own. (Please reference my blog Deep Feeling brings True Healing for detailed steps on how to consciously open to your emotions)
Oftentimes, even though an addiction may be causing additional pain and suffering because it is familiar and known, it can often be fear that arises with the idea of letting go of the addiction. This fear must also be opened to and allowed to be felt. Once this fear is allowed to be felt then there is more space and allowance for something new to emerge from the unknown versus the conditioned patterning and compulsive addictive patterns.